"But understand, you take me as I am"

Word of the day: Tolerance...

I work in a mainly woman dominated profession.. yes, you guessed it., I am a nurse.. So with that being said, you can imagine the amount of "BS' that comes with the territory. Now I have never been one to bad mouth or gossip about anyone. In all honesty, I feel like those two activities are a lot of energy and I am lazy. I don't want to have to look over my shoulder or find a secure.secluded area every time I want to say something.

Like any other environment, my floor has "clicks", now I hate to use that words being that we are all adults and such, but I am here to report, that never goes away, which is sad. In high school, I had my group of friend who I primarily hung out with, but I was friends with everyone. And that goes for me at work too. I have a certain group of kids that I hang out with, but I like everyone.

I find it funny, how even as adult women, we still have these clicks. I guess that is just human nature but I would like to think that as we group up, get married, and have kids of our own, we would realize that having these clicks doesn't make us a stronger unit.. it weakens us.

As I sit here and write this blog, I am thinking of the ladies I work with, and I can place each women in their perspective group and I am willing to bet it is the same group they were in in high school. The cool kids still think they are better than everyone and have the right to say whatever they want about other people without getting to know them. And the outcast, keep to themselves..

I feel bad for the "cool kids" because they are missing out on some really great people. They can't see past a weird personality trait or a conflicting attitude. They have found the other "cool kids" and are set. They never open themselves up to the possibility that someone different from them could be awesome like them. They just want to judge from what they see on the outside. I like to think that I am a very accepting person. I am not quick to judge. I take my time and get to know someone before I decide on the type of person they are.

I don't have a "type." If you were to meet my closest friends, you would see just how different they all are from each other.. But the one common trait that they all do have is TOLERANCE..

"As Fast As She Can"

Sometimes I feel like Ted Mosby...

All Ted wants in life is to find love. He surrounds himself with his family.. Marshall and Lily- who have the relationship he wants.. Barney- his polar opposite, a womanizer who is scared of a real relationship and then there is Robin- the one that got away...

All the people in his life are happy.. in every aspect.. He, on the other hand, is happy in every aspect of his life except one.. he hasn't found the love of his life.

I look around at the people I surround myself with and they have all found their Marshall or Lily. I keep wondering when I am going to find my Marshall or if my Marshall even exist. Honestly I am so happy for each and everyone one of them, but sometimes it is hard to be around them because it just reminds me of what I don't have and how far away I am to finding it....

"Okay, I am going to say something out loud that I have been doing a pretty good job of not saying out loud lately. What you and Tony have, what I thought for a second you and I had, what I know Marshall and Lily have, I want that. I do. I keep waiting for it to happen. I am waiting for it to happen. I guess I am just tired of waiting. And that is all I am going to say on that subject..."--> Ted Mosby

"Today, he told her that he loved her, Put a ring around her finger"

On the day my ex got married, I woke up to this song....
(keep in mind Gary Allan sings this song)

"Today he told her that he loved her
Put a ring around her finger
And promised her forever, forever

Today, she smiled for all the pictures
And he was right there with her
Making all the memories without me

And it hurts to say this out loud
Look like she's really gone now

Today is the happiest day of her life
I should be happy for her today
So tell me why are these tears in my eyes?
I know I should be happy for her

But I've lost everything
I've lost everything I've ever wanted today

Today I thought about the moment
I could of said I loved her
And promises her forever, together

Today, today is really hit me
That she doesn't really miss me
She's found a new beginning

And I'm wishing
I had one more chance
God knows it's too late for that

Today is the happiest day of her life
I should be happy for her today
So tell me why are these tears in my eyes?
I know I should be happy for her

But I've lost everything
I've lost everything I've ever wanted today

Today is the happiest day of her life
I should be happy for her
But I've lost everything I've ever wanted

Today he told he that he loved her
Put a ring around her finger"

So what do we think this means.....

"Sometimes people WRITE what they can't SAY"

So here it is, the thing that I can't say.... my ex is getting married next week and I am really struggling with it.

We were together 2 years.. of those 2 years-the first year and a half was absolutely perfect. I was so in love with him. I met him freshman year and fell instantly but of course he was getting over his ex and had a crush on someone else and I had just broken up with my high school boyfriend (and no I didn't break up with him for this guy). We spent a lot of time together in the last few months of the semester and then one night after a party we kissed and were together ever since.

As you know, I am not so good at the expressing myself thing but with him it was different. I made a conscience effort to be better at that because I wanted things to work so badly with him and I knew that a major part of a relationship is being open and honest. So that is what I did. Opened my heart and gave him everything I had and everything I was. He knew everything about me, including my deepest fear...

Then comes Halloween of Junior year.. to make a painfully long story short.. he slept with my best friend/room-mate. In the 2 minutes that it took him to tell me he cheated on me, not only did my whole world turn upside down but I lost the two people that mattered most to me. We didn't talk for a while and my room mate moved out and stopped talking to me.(we are now better friends than ever)

I felt so lost. I didn't know what to do, what to think, what to say. I knew things couldn't go back to the way it was before and I knew that I couldn't fix them.

I got back together with him and things were never the same, as you can imagine. We dated for another 5 month before HE broke up with me saying he didn't love me anymore. Hearing those words hurt more than when he said he slept with my best friend. I just couldn't wrap my head about what happened. How could we go from being so in love to him cheating on me to then him breaking up with me. It sucked. But not as much as him telling me that he started seeing someone else (who he is marrying next week) 3 months after we broke up.

I can honestly say I don't love him anymore, but I am still in love with who I wish he was. I still think about our 2 years together and replay moments and conversations in my head and wonder what the hell happened.

So here we are-- 4 years later-- I am still trying to put the shattered pieces of my heart back together and he is getting married.

"we have to throw her a shower"

background information on me: I love the TV show Friends... with that being said what is the deal with peoples obession with weddings?!?! I don't understand it. It is just another day in your life.. okay sure. it's more than just another day in your life, but seriously, what's with all the hype.

"It seems you can't hear me, when I open my mouth you never listen"

Do you think we are drawn the same type of people?

I have always been friends with people who see my friendship as convenient. I have always been the friend that people call when they: need advice, need a ride, need money, need to be bailed out, need a shoulder to cry on. You see my point, they call when they NEED something. But when it comes time for me to need something.... Nada, nothing, zip.

Am I just use to being treated this way that when I'm in a new place in my life, I am drawn to the same type of friend? Deep down, I like being the person that someone can count on and trust but it would be nice to have someone like that in my life as well.

I can't tell you how many times I have wanted to talk to someone about what's going on in my life and when I finally work up the nerve to say something, they make it about themselves, they fall asleep, they aren't interested, or they find something better to do? What is that about.

I am getting tired of being every one's "convenient" friend. I used to shrug it off and accept it for what it was, after all I am use to it, but recently shrugging it off hasn't been so easy...

"I use to be a little bit shy, kept my deepest feelings inside"

Here's the thing... I have never been good at expressing my emotions. Recently I have had a lot of things weighing on my mind. So I thought if I can't tell my family and friends what's going on, why not try telling total strangers.

When you see Authorized Personnel Only on a sign, you wonder what is behind that door. That is what I want people to think when they see my blog. I want them to wonder what is behind those words. I may be scared to share these thoughts with the people in my life but I am excited to share them with you.

I am new at this whole blogging thing so just bare with me. At times this blog may suck. Please feel free to tell me that. I hope most of the time this blog will be entertaining and something you enjoy.