"Sometimes people WRITE what they can't SAY"

So here it is, the thing that I can't say.... my ex is getting married next week and I am really struggling with it.

We were together 2 years.. of those 2 years-the first year and a half was absolutely perfect. I was so in love with him. I met him freshman year and fell instantly but of course he was getting over his ex and had a crush on someone else and I had just broken up with my high school boyfriend (and no I didn't break up with him for this guy). We spent a lot of time together in the last few months of the semester and then one night after a party we kissed and were together ever since.

As you know, I am not so good at the expressing myself thing but with him it was different. I made a conscience effort to be better at that because I wanted things to work so badly with him and I knew that a major part of a relationship is being open and honest. So that is what I did. Opened my heart and gave him everything I had and everything I was. He knew everything about me, including my deepest fear...

Then comes Halloween of Junior year.. to make a painfully long story short.. he slept with my best friend/room-mate. In the 2 minutes that it took him to tell me he cheated on me, not only did my whole world turn upside down but I lost the two people that mattered most to me. We didn't talk for a while and my room mate moved out and stopped talking to me.(we are now better friends than ever)

I felt so lost. I didn't know what to do, what to think, what to say. I knew things couldn't go back to the way it was before and I knew that I couldn't fix them.

I got back together with him and things were never the same, as you can imagine. We dated for another 5 month before HE broke up with me saying he didn't love me anymore. Hearing those words hurt more than when he said he slept with my best friend. I just couldn't wrap my head about what happened. How could we go from being so in love to him cheating on me to then him breaking up with me. It sucked. But not as much as him telling me that he started seeing someone else (who he is marrying next week) 3 months after we broke up.

I can honestly say I don't love him anymore, but I am still in love with who I wish he was. I still think about our 2 years together and replay moments and conversations in my head and wonder what the hell happened.

So here we are-- 4 years later-- I am still trying to put the shattered pieces of my heart back together and he is getting married.